Toxic relationships

adventureis out there (4).pngI wasn’t sure if I was wanting to do a video on this or a blog post… Because certain situations from earlier this year have been popping up into my head or in  discussions with other people in my life.

Recently this year I decided to cut some people out of my life.. Mind you I didn’t originally  intend for it to get to that. And a huge majority of people couldn’t see why.  And I’m not gonna lie… It got super messy and a lot of hurt things were said from they’re side and they knew what they said would hurt and have some impact i some way shape or form. See, they were so used to being able to control me that they thought what they had used before would work once again.. They did everything and anything they could say or do to try and get me to come back but I stood my ground this time.

What I wanted to talk to you about is more of.. telling you some things that I learned.

Don’t kill yourself for people. (Yes, I mean this litterally.)

Don’t make yourself sick or work work yourself sick for people who don’t appreciate you or what you do, don’t truly and actually care about you, don’t do anything to help you, etc. Now, I’m not saying don’t help people or go to great lengths to do so. What I’m saying is do not physically, mentally, or emotionally kill yourself and tap yourself out for people who could care less and use you for that reason. I’ve done this.. this happened in the situation I briefly covered a short moment ago and it wasn’t good and I also don’t suggest it.

Don’t become peoples puppet  and control you

I didn’t realize how bad this one person was controlling me till they started freaking out when I wouldn’t text them within 5 seconds of getting their message. I mean Legit freaking the pop tarts out.   If they wanted me there all they had to say was something depressing enough to sound like suicide notes and I would be there. (I don’t play with that kind of stuff or take it lightly.)  They knew how to say things to get me to come back  and it wasn’t the “Oh, you’re so amazing I’m so sorry.” type stuff… No it was more along the lines of Trying to guilt trip me, make me feel like it was my fault when it wasn’t so I would then apologies to Them for something I didn’t do or wasn’t my fault. It’s messed up the fact I let them get that control and it’s even more messed up that there’s so many people in the world today who know what cards to play, say etc to get what they want and control people.

please, don’t let them..

You DON’T have to explain yourself

After this huge mess happened they wanted me to come back.. (When they told me to never speak to them again… whaat?)  They even went to lengths of getting my friends friends and our mutual friends to try and get me to come and fix things and and for me to tell them why. And people themselves asked me why. I got so used to always giving people explanations because I thought I had to. Here’s some facts for you…

  1. You don’t.
  2.  People can loose their right to know why depending on the situation (and they did)
  3. If it’s not the person the problem is with, they don’t “Deserve and explanation” cause it’s not their dang business

Cold hard facts is I had valid reasons to need space and a break which then turned into cutting them out of my life for the exact same valid reasons and then some. If anything they just validated my reasons to do so and other people saw what was going on. This relationship was Toxic, negative, and killing and draining the life out of me quite litterally.  But I wasn’t going to go try and “Explain why” because I knew these people better than anyone. I know how they would think, respond, what they would say and do and it would have been pointless. So instead of wasting  more time than I already did on trying to explain, trying to fix things etc. I stopped explaining because I didn’t have to and they lost any “Right to know” they may have had.

When you know you’re in the right, stand no matter how hard it is. It can be hard as in things people say are hurtful or they’re actions are, you may loose things etc. But when it comes to cutting out toxic people out don’t feel bad for that. No matter how hard they or others try to make you feel etc. Don’t feel bad. And try to keep in mind that the other people who weren’t involved didn’t know or don’t know how it was exactly or from your side etc and they don’t need to know cause it’s not they’re business.

NOTE:Yes, It’s okay to miss the good in those people and good times etc and not want them back at the same time.

 

Idk If I got what I was wanting to say out right or worded right cause TBH  my brains very tired haha So forgive me if this is a bit scatterd etc… But I felt like I needed to get this off my chest. ❤ Hope you all are safe, well and have a wonderful night ❤

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Time.

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Time.. I believe I’ve done a post before about it. But once again it’s on my mind.

I think time is one of the scariest things if we’re being honest.  There’s a quote in the movie Fox and the Hound and it’s where Big Mama (The owl) tells the Fox “Darlin’ forever is a long time, and time has a way of changing things.” Now, granted that doesn’t mean it always turns out bad  but.. there is always that possibility and fear. And it doesn’t even have to mean long period of times like years either it could be months, days, weeks etc. I’ve definitely had this experience a few times that definitely did not feel like the best changes they were more along whiplash type changes that happened so fast it took a bit for it to even sink in what had happened and when it did it freaking and boy it

S U C K E D. 

Caring about someone very much, very deeply, in a way you haven’t with someone else before and they cared about you as well one day then the next drop it, lose feelings and go MIA is… I don’t even know how to explain it other then it was like feeling version of whiplash.

Where once a girl was to scared to stand up to people who tried walking all over her for the most of her life… at age 20 she now has the courage to stand and say NO.

One day she’s fine, happy dancing, singing, being silly and annoying… The next she’s being driven to Children’s Primary because her blood sugar was 474 and her body was trying to go into a coma to where she and your parents were gone for a week while you handled the house.

Beginning of makeup stages… Blue eye shadow all. over.  Now a few years later can do cut crease and mostly even wing eyeliner.

One day a annoyingly positive, shy, very insecure, girl the next time you look in the mirror she’s more comfortable in her skin, slightly more confident, negative in her personal life but positive for others,  young women with so much baggage.

Long distance relationships where they’re gone all the time What if they lose feelings? What if they find someone else? What if they stop missing me? What if they’re tired of me wanting as much time with just them as I possibly can get?  What if  the distance drives us apart? What if  they can’t take this anymore through time?

Time does have a way of changing things and it’s scary not knowing how it will change things. And sometimes it’s hard not to ask the What IF question but it can honestly hurt things and relationships to keep focusing on the what ifs than the what is or what are.

I’m not saying I do this all the time but I do try not to.. I just sometimes lose. haha But that’s part of life is time, unknown, losing battles and or wining them as well as Change.

I think that’s why most people are scared of time is simply because most often Time equals change in some shape and or form.

And it’s O K A Y to be scared because Everyone gets scared. We just can’t let being scared win and keep us  from things because in the end everything will be Okay. ❤

 

#Justthoughts

“You’re a rose, be with someone who isn’t afraid of your thorns..”

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So my being my deep thinking self  I was pondering on some beautiful quotes I found on Pinterest that I think go really well together in a sense..

“You’re a rose, be with someone who isn’t afraid of your thorns.” -r.h. Sin

“Light is easy to love. Show me your darkness.” R.Queen 

We all have our own thorns and darkness and not everyone can understand, love or touch us because of them. Either they don’t know how to handle someone with such thorns for fear of being pricked or they don’t know how to walk  and see through the darkness. And it’s not always easy to love someone’s thorns or love them when they’re dark side comes out. It has to also be a choice but that’s also actual love and a whole other discussion. lol

However  I especially like the quote by  by R. Queen. ” Light is easy to love. Show me your darkness.” I’m someone who I’m okay with small talk but I really love and I mean love deeper discussions, topics etc. I love learning about people’s minds, hearts, souls, passions, and fears. It’s easy to love someone when they’re happy, positive, things are going well, etc. But the real challenge and thing I love about loving people is when they’re in the dark.  And some people (I admit I fall into this)  don’t share their darkness with anyone they keep it to themselves so if they show you, it means they trust you and your special to them.   I’m not saying it’s easy to love someone’s darkness and it’s fun I am saying though sometimes we find some people we think are worth maybe getting pricked by the thorns or we want to know the darkness to know them better and to know how to be there for them.  Loving someone, truly loving someone is a choice in it’s self not just the warm fuzzy feeling that’s something I’ve learned. And I love how these quotes show this but in a different way at least to me. ❤

 

 

TBH. . .

To be Honest. . .

Things have taken a turn recently. I can’t sleep or go to sleep till about 3-4 am. And even when I do I don’t sleep well or have a restful sleep because I feel awake even though I’m sleeping.  I feel sick or like my body’s trying to fight getting sick. I have no motivation really to do anything besides watch Netflix and eat snacks.

Pretty discouraged with things in life. I have yet to find a job, but I know leaving the past one was the best choice.. I don’t know what direction I’m supposed to be going in or what direction I’m going to be taking or should take. I’ve lost people. I’m hurt. My room is a small mess again. haha And I turn 20 next Monday. Exactly a week from today, and that’s kinda scary. I’m not ready for this amount of commitment to adulting yet. haha

And I’m stumped. I don’t entirely know what to post, what videos to make, where to start in cleaning my room, or life. But I am going to try and be more positive.. Or at least try and see more positive in life.  Because I’m alive, I’m breathing, I can see, I can hear, I have almost lived 20 years and I am very blessed.

Life is full of adventures. Some are down hill and fun where we put our hands in the air and yell at the top of our lungs or we dance around while blasting fun loud music. While some are up hill where we’re panting for every breath of air we take or we’re laying in bed or writing while listening to a soft quiet playlist. Either one is an adventure some we just may enjoy more than others but both get us to the places we need to be. Right now I’m sitting on my bed while listening to my Netflix, books, and chill Spotify playlist with my pet cat Cutie.  I may try and clean my room a little bit tonight or I may try and go to bed because my stomach’s cramping and I don’t feel well. Lol

Wherever you are in the world, whatever time it is, whatever you’re going through whether it’s a good adventure , not so great, or bad adventure… Know that you always have a friend here for you. Know that it’s a bad day, week or month not a bad life. And that everything will be Okay eventually and you aren’t alone. ❤

                               “And then I realized, Adventures are the best way to learn.”

sun